Got Power?
A good friend posted on Facebook the question of "power." What does power mean to you? I wanted to answer in a pithy, quick manner, but the words eluded me because there are so many different forms of power: personal, political, sexual, financial...and sometimes we feel powerful in one realm but not another, and other times we feel powerful in bursts in one realm, and not-so-powerful in that same realm within days, hours or moments.
It would be a long blog indeed if I were to tackle all of the permutations of power here. You want a quick look at political power? Watch House of Cards; that pretty much sums up political power (cynical, who me?) Financial power is the "haves" versus the "have-nots," that's pretty simple. Sexual power is more nuanced and so is personal power, but if you want a taste of sexual power, go strip. You'll feel powerful, trust me. Or get arrested, providing where you choose to do your striptease...
So today I'm going to talk about personal power.
What is true personal power, and how do you get it? How do you keep it? How do you lose it? Does this sound like an intro to a New Agey self-help book? Yes, yes it does. Sorry about that. And the New Agey folks have absconded with the word "power" and made it their bitch in today's world, tossing it about like it's the end-all, be-all of "being."
Why is that?
Because one of the most uncomfortable states of being for a person is feeling powerless. We *hate* feeling powerless. And, wow, here's a book by Doopiki Chomama, a self-proclaimed guru of power, and he can give you the keys to never feeling powerless again!
Don't be fooled. What he's selling is not true personal power. What he's selling is a way of thinking that deludes you into thinking you have personal power. If you've ever said the phrase, "Everything is unfolding perfectly," or "This is part of the plan," or "The Universe..." well pretty much anything starting with "the Universe," you're pretending to have power. It's like walking out on your beach day and it's raining cats and dogs, and you turn to your kids and say "This is exactly how our beach day is supposed to be today! Rainy! Let's go to a movie! We're supposed to see a movie instead today!" Okay, folks, that's not power. That's re-framing. Of course it sucks that it's raining on your beach day. Why not just say it? Own it? Teach your kids it's okay to be disappointed and that sometimes....SHIT JUST HAPPENS for NO GOOD REASON?
I promise, they can handle it. It doesn't have to be part of the "plan" of the "perfect Universe." Ah, but that does make you feel powerless, doesn't it? Admitting you have no control over the rain. So you tell yourself that acceptance of things and even welcoming them because there is supposed to be that thing for your benefit means you (or the universe) had at least something to do with it. (You didn't.)
Much of the New Age school of thought is not true personal power. It's re-framing, something we do all of the time to make lemonade out of the lemons of life. Is it bad to have a positive attitude? No. But don't confuse it with power.
The worst is when things go people's way and they attribute it to their personal power. "It's been rainy all week, and today, on OUR beach day, look, not a cloud in the sky. See what positive thoughts can do?" Yeah, taking credit for shit like that just deludes you even further. Don't do it. You're lucky it stopped raining, that's it.
Personal power is about you, and only you. It's about how you handle the things life throws at you. It's about how you interact with other people--not about how you influence them. No. It's about allowing others to have, or not have, their own power and not allowing that to impact yours. With true personal power you don't need to control others, because you are in control of yourself.
In a strange way, personal power is about letting go. But I'm not talking full-on surrender here. No, learning what you can and can't control is the thing, not surrendering everything to a "universe" or "god" or some other higher power, thus absolving yourself of responsibility that you should own. That's not the answer, either. Some people say we can't control anything, and that bleeds over into things like their own behavior, and that's a crock. That's the one thing we have almost 100% control over.
You have personal power if you know who you are and own it. And not just the sparkly, shiny parts, either. You have to own the uglies, the tarnished and imperfect parts as well. And you can't be ashamed of them. They are you. YOU are you. And you are comfortable in your own skin, given any situation.
I don't know many people like this. I'm not sure if I know anyone like this, actually. Sure they are powerful, until you yank them out of their tribe and stick them in a group of hostiles. Then you can see their power leak right out of their bodies. Anyone see the
movie J. Edgar with Leo DiCaprio? He practically oozes power, everywhere he goes, until he's in the same room with his mother. Then you watch him shrink into a little boy.
You have personal power if you can say the words "I don't know" with authority. And you have to be comfortable with not knowing.
You have power if you're not seeking it for yourself by taking it away from someone else, or trying to diminish that person. Powerful people build others around them up.
There is not a person alive who has personal power when they act and react like a victim. And they are tricky, victims. They might not come outright with their "poor me" attitude; it might be couched in a pseudo-declaration of strength. But you'll know they are acting like a victim when their declaration garners them "poor yous" and "my aren't you just so strong and brave?" from other people. "Just living day to day with (insert personal struggle, tragedy or illness here) makes me powerful." No, it doesn't. Living day to day and not having to mention that struggle, tragedy and illness, that's having power. When you mention it? You're trying to take power by manipulating other people's sympathies, and that is not true power. It's a pretense; it's false. It may make you feel powerful, but feelings aren't reality. And it doesn't last. You need to suck more and more from others to maintain your false sense of power.
Having personal power is owning you are wrong sometimes. It is the ability to make your wrongs right. Whether it be simply apologizing, or doing more to fix it, personal power is giving back what you might have wrongfully taken from someone else.
Power is saying what you mean, and meaning what you say. An old adage, but it has integrity. Personal power acts with sublime integrity.
The person with power does not allow themselves to be manipulated. They stand their ground, even if it means the loss of a relationship that's important to them. Even if it's one of their children. Again, they know who they are.
You can sometimes recognize a person with power as they enter a room. Often people are drawn to them. They might impact you in different ways--you might instantly like them and want to get to know them. Or, more often than not, you are repelled and immediately dislike them, which is a mask for actually feeling threatened by them. And that's all you, baby. People with power make a lot of other people afraid and uncomfortable.
Powerful people are adaptable. Things roll off of them, but they are authentic about it. "I'm disappointed I didn't get that job. I really thought I had a shot. Well, back to the drawing board I guess. Something else will come around soon." They don't blame the company's recruiter for being blind. They don't blame Affirmative Action. They don't blame their wives for picking out the wrong tie. And they don't blame themselves and tear themselves down. They FEEL, because they aren't afraid to feel, and they make a plan to move forward.
So how do you keep personal power? On all fronts, and in all situations? You have to have that power ingrained in you, at all times, and trust me, most, if not all, people have chinks in their armor. We all do. But people with power aren't afraid to explore those chinks, talk about them, own them, seal them up and move on. A person with power is not infallible. That's the beauty of it. They are imperfect in their power. It's how they deal with those imperfections that allows them to keep their power intact.
How do you get personal power? Well, hang out with people who have it. Pay attention to how they deal with things. Pay attention to how they talk, how they view their past, present and future. I have a good friend who is one of the most powerful women I know. She exudes a confidence and strength that you just don't see very much. She had a personal tragedy hit her some years ago, and when she refers to it, it's never within a context of "poor me." She doesn't take the blame, nor does she blame others. She deals with it matter-of factly and with dignity. And she doesn't make it a part of her weekly Facebook updates. She never would. I admire this woman a great deal because of her strength and resilience. And her power.
Another way is to become painfully self-aware, and then lose the judgment. Take a good inventory of your strengths and weaknesses and be aware which comes out when. And at the risk of sounding like a broken record, practice compassion and empathy, every day. There is nothing more powerful than a compassionate person who doesn't take things personally that are not meant personally. That doesn't mean that some things aren't personal. Let me be clear. If someone calls you an asshole, automatically depersonalizing that might just be a mistake. Take a look at it. Are you being an asshole? Ask yourself. If you are, own it, and make it right.
How do you lose power? Think like a victim. Act like a victim. Manipulate and act in only self-interest. Refuse to own your shit and if your mind feels riddled with anger, resentment, hate and jealousy, you are not powerful. You are afraid.
That is my lengthy take on personal power. I'd like to thank my friend, John, for posing this question so I could explore the answers within myself and for others, too. Hopefully this blog provokes thought, consideration and even discussion. I'm sure it will prick some feathers. If your feathers get pricked, rather than lashing out, ask yourself why? There may be a truth lying wait inside of you for you to discover. And behind that truth...there will be power. Because out of anything else I have mentioned, Truth is the only purely powerful thing we can maintain and keep for ourselves--it never changes and it will always be powerful. That has been my experience. If I'm wrong about any of this, I'll consider it, own it and rethink my take on it.
I know what I can control and what I can't. I know over what I am powerless. And if I scare you, come closer. Talk to me. I promise, you will see my chinks. I might even show them to you. And we can laugh together, understand one another, help each other.
Imagine if we lived in a world where we all felt truly, authentically powerful? Imagine the things we could do together.
